Beautiful Struggles

Today was a fun filled, painful day. I got my fourth tattoo....on my foot. Ouch.

Beautiful Struggles with a Lotus

So for those of you that are curious, I got this tattoo as a symbol for everything I've been through. I guess it's not just in the past year or so, but maybe most of my life. I know I've told you all I've always struggled with weight issues my whole life. When I was younger kids always made fun of me at school for being "bigger". I had a nickname in middle school as Fat Clown, talk about some damage to my self-esteem. I struggled with a small eating disorder for a couple months, nothing crazy like anorexia and such. But I seriously cut back on my food intake, and even skipped a couple days worth of meals. When I got into high school I had a girl call me Big Bird all the time, someone I used to call a friend. I had a group of girls I considered my best friends, until I made one small opinionated comment. Then the rumors started to fly around and not only was I fat, but apparently a whore. . that was a virgin, go figure. Who has time for all that!? Just typing about it exhausts me. I knew I didn't want to stay anywhere near my hometown. I came to Virginia and fell in love with the people, I just felt so accepted. Of course, I always felt a little left out, because no one ever seemed to be interested in me, but that was okay. I spent a lot of time with my sorority as I mentioned, which gave me a lot of confidence as an individual, and I focused on my future. After I graduated college I dropped a lot of weight, because all those late night binges, bad eating habits, lack of sleep, partying and stress was gone. When I finally accepted my first full time job I was ecstatic. I moved two hours away, unfortunately, it was right after I met my, now ex-boyfriend. We did the long distance for about 10 months until my lease came up for renewal. He asked me to move in which meant leaving my job and the new friends I had made. So I took a huge pay decrease to work at a call center and I made sure he knew that the only terms I would move in with him on was that at some point even if it was 20 years down the road, he would marry me. Everything seemed so perfect. Then it started; the lack of compromise and communication. He refused to travel for the holidays, yet expected me to give up time with my family for his. Complained that my family was always a priority (well hello, they live 700 miles away, we lived next door to his). Then it was the whole talking to other girls behind my back. The weight started to pile back on, and his drinking got out of control. I was working anywhere from 6-7 days a week 8-10 hours. I would come home, the dog would have been a total mess around the house, and he was passed out drunk in the chair. Sometimes waking up only to yell at me. I tried so hard to make it better, but it just continued to get worse. (Please know that I'm not blaming him, as it takes two to create chaos.) We finally decided on a vacation with my family, which was a battle all in it's own. What a great time, seriously. We had an absolute blast, and he spent a lot of time talking with my dad. As I mentioned before, this was the vacation he told my dad he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. The drive back was all about us, and how we had a lot to work on but how much we loved each other and couldn't wait to fix everything. All it took was 24hrs to change that conversation around. I set up a Facebook for him so he could connect with old friends, and this one girl wouldn't stop messaging him. Next thing I knew we have an argument and hes falling asleep on the phone with her. Blowing me off so he can talk to her, just one week after our beautiful vacation, he told me we were done. I hit rock bottom, totally lost it. I had not only wasted months of arguing, but gave up my career, my life. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to go on some days. When I finally made the decision to take care of me, I knew I would never let that happen again. Sure I know I'll get my feelings hurt, but I refuse to let someone walk all over me and rip my life away. So my tattoo is a symbol of all of that. The Lotus grows in mud, so it's my way of saying that I have grown from all my struggles. That I have taken those struggles and created something beautiful with them. . . a healthy life. Some of those battles may still be unspoken, but they have all contributed to the person I am today. This tattoo means more to me than many of you may ever know. I just hope (and wish for others) that they take their struggles and do the same. I know sometimes life gets rough, but it's meant to be that way. It's a test, and I truly believe it all happens for a reason. So with all that being said. . . TRUST your struggles as they are there with purpose.

Learn to love yourself

"I love the person I have become, because I've fought to become her."